This is the hardest post I ‘ve written thus far. It has almost been a year since it happened and it has been a difficult journey to get here…. From a miscarriage to the transition of grieving, to getting pregnant again. The process left me emotionally and physically depleted, but I was able to refill myself back up.
How I found out I was pregnant?
Last year a week before Father’s Day 2019 I found out I was pregnant. I decided to surprise my fiance on Father’s Day with a Pinteresque announcement.
We were extremely excited and dreamed of who this tiny human could be? Is it a boy? a girl? How would this baby look like? Him or me? …. We decided to wait until the “safe zone” the 12-week mark or until we couldn’t hold it in anymore to announce it to our family and friends. However, He had other plans.
When did I miscarry?
A few days after my son’s second birthday…. it all began. I was about 6 weeks pregnant and I remember going to the bathroom and noticing a light pinkish hue on the toilet paper and didn’t think anything of it because it is normal to spot in the early stages of pregnancy.
As the days went by I started bleeding more and then the cramps came in. Finally, I understood what my body was doing. I started passing tissue and my cramps intensified which lasted approximately 2 to 3 hours. I did have to take Tylenol.
I held onto hope until the very end, but there was nothing I could do. The rest of the day I stayed in bed and let my emotions take control. I felt sad but I knew it wasn’t part of His plan for us.
Ironically, through it all, I was filled with gratitude….. Grateful for an opportunity to get pregnant, grateful to have a son already, grateful for this loss and how it transformed my perspective of life.
The aftermath
To be honest, I wasn’t sure how I completely felt yet and needed time to process it all. I, therefore, chose not to tell anyone which I am glad I did because the aftermath was complicated. No one tells you about how your body is in this weird transition afterward. From the physical miscarriage to the pregnancy hormones in my body and still looking pregnant. This made the process even harder because when I looked into a mirror it reminded me of what I once had.
Getting pregnant again
Two months after the miscarriage I was fortunate to get pregnant again. But my feelings weren’t the same as before. It took me by surprise because I didn’t think it would be that fast. Once you let yourself dream so big and those dreams get pulled right under your feet, you don’t want to dream anymore.
How I felt?
I was shocked, happy and confused all at the same time. I told my fiance as soon as I found out and we chose not to tell anyone until it was “safe” or until I showed. My happiness was short-lived though because all the “what if’s” started rolling in. What if I miscarry again? How can I move on if it seems like it was just yesterday I miscarried my little angel? Should I even be happy?
What helped me cope?
This internal conflict took a long time for me to manage
- finding other stories of women that went through a miscarriage
- Self-help podcast and books
- Gave myself permission to grieve
I am now 7 months pregnant writing this post and we can’t wait to meet this precious gift. As each passing day goes by it has been easier for me to talk about our miscarriage. In no way is this baby replacing the one we lost, but I know He has a plan for us. To all, you mamas out there who have gone through this I hope my story can encourage you and let you know you are not alone and you will get through this.